Guilty
by Hvalross05
Summary: Her brothers death left her crippled. But the selfish Magi should care less about that... right? Judar x OC (Kenmei) One-shot, snippet of their relationship.


She should have just checked her mail sooner; should have just stopped what she was doing and read them. Then maybe none of this would be happening. Or, at least, it wouldn't be happening so soon and so sudden.

The letters ripped into her and tore her apart, every last one making her feel guilty. It was her fault his illness took him so soon. It was her fault he suffered. It was her fault that she was alone now.

All because she didn't check the damn, stupid, infuriating pieces of paper tossed carelessly onto her desk right away. All because she had left them there for weeks without bothering to think twice about them, even though her brothers neat hand writing was written across the front of each one. Except for the last, which was written in just as neat, but much more feminine handwriting.

This last letter she clutched tightly as she sat at her desk, the letter ripped into pieces by her own hands.

The day of training had been hard, her 'friend' not cutting her any slack and taking out all his days frustrations on her. She had weakly dragged herself to her room and flopped onto her nice, comfortable bed, but noticed the pile of letters. Something had pulled her to them and she tore her weak and tired body away from the soft sheets and slumped down into her chair. Seeing her name written in her brothers familiar handwriting had made her smile softly. But letter after letter, the smile faded and tears began to flow down her face.

First the announcement of his sickness. Then the polite request for her help in healing. The modest, yet obvious beg for help and attention. And the goodbye.

But the last is what truly broke her. From her brothers grieving wife, the final letter contained the announcement of his death, insults, threats and warnings. Every single word was filled with hate and she could feel it burning through the scribble, threatening to ignite the frail paper and burn her hands.

Though she felt that was something she deserved. She didn't deserve to be happy and healthy, when she had let her brother suffer and die, all because she was lazy. Every word in the last letter sunk into her and she felt them true.

It was all her fault, and he hated her in death. She was nothing but a cold, selfish witch who ignored her brothers pleas for help.

No, no she hadn't ignored the letters. That just couldn't be true. She was just busy lately. Too much training left her tired on top of all her other duties around the palace just made her forgetful about the letters. She hadn't ignored him. She would never ignore her brother on purpose.

But yet, she had. She had ignored him. She had ignored the letters. How could such a simple act as forgetting to read them cause so much trouble and heartache? She couldn't understand. It was stupid to her. So stupid and unfair. It upset her, made her angry and frustrated.

Her anger had caused her to rip the frail paper into pieces, hoping to destroy the hurtful and burning letters sent by her sister-in-law. But it did nothing to help her.

So stupid, to think that ripping and crumpling a piece of paper would make everything go away. Nothing would make this pain go away and she knew it. She would forever be sad and guilty.

And so she sat, in the hard wooden chair of her desk, holding a ripped, crumpled piece of frail paper that burned her hands.  
It was her fault.  
She was guilty.

Judar gave an irritated huff as he sat in the courtyard, perched on a limb of a tree. His legs dangled down, his left swaying slightly as he observed the area. Empty. Boring. Why was he here again?

Oh yeah. That stupid girl. She was supposed to be in the courtyard for training already. It had been at least ten minutes since he had arrived. Normally, Judar was the one late, so this was a bit irritating to him. Irritating and stupid.

He jumped off the tree and landed on the hard rock ground of the courtyard. Should he go get her, or just go do something else equally as boring? Neither option seem appealing to him. What about a nap? Nah, he had just woken up from one and wanted to let loose for a while. It had been four days since the last time they trained, so his energy had built up since then and he really needed to let it out. No one else would train with him willingly, so he used the poor magician girl instead.

He didn't care, though, what she thought about it. It was fun to him and that's all he cared about. His days were always so boring, and even though the girl bored him just as much, he found joy in making her run around like a trapped rat.

The Magi gave a lazy stretch and a satisfied grunt when his back gave way and popped. He scratched his cheek before walking towards the living quarters for those that lived in the palace.

"Guess I'll go get the stupid girl."

Even though he was headed to get her, he begun to think about why he was. Just so he could blow off his energy? That seemed stupid, he could easily just attack random things or go prank some people to blow his energy. Why did he need her to do it? Was it because she fought back, maybe? No, she barely even did that, but that was mostly because he never gave her the chance.

Maybe it was because it was funny to see her run around and try to get away from him? He did find that hilarious, though lately she had been able to stand her own and not have to run as much. So that wasn't fun anymore.

It must not deal with fighting in general, as he couldn't think of a valid reason to go get the girl just because he wanted to waste his energy. That was stupid. At least, now it was, with her becoming stronger. It wasn't as fun to make her run around and things got boring quickly.

With each step he took, he grew more and more frustrated. Why couldn't he figure it out? What was it about this stupid, weak magician that made him want to waste his time to go get her? To bother keeping up the "training"? He was stuck and just could not figure it out.

With his frustrating thoughts, he hadn't noticed that he had come upon the door to her room. It was closed, as she always seemed to have it, but something felt off to him. It wasn't the door itself or anything about the area, but a strange vibe he was getting from inside of the room.

He just stood there, giving the door an irritated and confused glare as he tried to figure it out. It sure as hell wasn't normal, nor was it something he had ever felt around the girl. He shook his head and decided to ignore it, giving the door a few good knocks with his knuckles.

"Hey!" He spoke after his knocks. "You're late, y'know? What are you doing in there? Better not be sleeping in."

There was no answer, but he felt the vibe change, but not in a good way. What was it? Angry? Sad? He couldn't tell, though he got a bit curious. The change confirmed she was inside, though, and her silence only irritated him more.

He knocked again, this time using the side of his fist to make them louder. "Hellloooo? You better not be ignor-" he stopped as the door opened a bit, but not much. He peeked around inside what he could see. It was very dark, the curtains on the windows drawn closed and no candles lit. His eyes were instantly drawn to the only source of light, though it technically wasn't light.

White rukh fluttered around the room a bit, very close to the door. He took a step back as they exited the room and calmly fluttered around him, drawn to him.

That was it. The rukh was the problem, the strange vibe he felt was coming from them. It was a distressed feeling, sad and angry. He reached towards one to try and figure out the problem, but a quiet voice made him give a light jump.

"I'd rather not train today. Sorry." Kenmei spoke softly. She had been hiding behind the door the whole time, her face now visible. Judar hadn't seen it, since he had never looked down.

Judar raised an eyebrow at her, putting his hands on his hips. "I don't think so, you're not skipping out. Come on, now, before I get mad."

Kenmei only stared up at him for a moment before she sighed and closed the door. "Just a moment.."

Judar crossed his arms as he watched the rukh continue to flutter around him, though they seemed even more agitated. They were frantic, irritated and annoyingly sad. He didn't like it at all. It wasn't normal.

What was normal to him was feeling instantly calm when she approached, even if his day had been total and complete crap. The rukh that surrounded her always gave off a calming vibe, and he had become drawn to it.

He physically felt his head tilt slightly to the right in confusion as he thought about it. Why would it suddenly change? And why would he be so upset about it? It's not like it actually affected him in anyway. He didn't need to be comforted by her rukh, nor did he feel like he wanted it.

Or did he? Is that why he wasted his time to come get her today? Because of her rukh?

He scoffed at his thoughts. That was stupid, even more stupid than getting her just to blow off his energy. He didn't need her stupid rukh to feel calm or relaxed, ever, so why would that be the reason.

"So stupid.." he muttered to himself as the door opened up again. Kenmei was ready to go, holding her wand close to her.

"Tch, finally." He turned and walked off, back towards the courtyard. Kenmei followed him silently, though she was slow and sluggish. Her feet seemed to drag as she was obviously forcing herself forwards.

Judar didn't even bother to look back or wait for her, reaching the courtyard minutes before she did. He turned, expecting to see her but was greeted with nothing, except for a few white rukh following him. He growled and leaned on a tree as he pulled his wand out. Out of irritation, he decided to play a little joke on her to see how she would reacted. With a light wave of his hand, ice covered the area in front of the opening to the courtyard that they had come from.

He stood there, waiting expectantly for a few minutes before he saw her figure coming down the hall, still quite sluggish. The rukh that he could see around her were spastic and the vibe only seemed to grow worse the closer she had to get to the courtyard.

Judar, instead of feeling bad for the girl and letting her go back to her room, ignored it and continued to wait, though was beginning to grow very impatient. "Hurry up!"

Kenmei glanced up and walked a bit faster. Though, the instant she stepped out of the hall, her heel met with slick ice and she stumbled, falling down to her knees as her wand slipped away from her as well.

Judar busted out into snickers and chuckles, but stopped when he didn't hear her usual retaliation or yelling. He looked to her with a confused look, hands once again resting on his hips. She just sat there, in the same position that she had fallen, though her face was covered by her hair, now. Her rukh were even more agitated, but Judar still refused to pay attention to it.

"What are you doing? Get up!" He waved his arm in a quick upwards motion before letting it fall back to his side, causing a small smack as his hand hit his thigh. He watched closely as Kenmei scooted over to her wand and grabbed it before moving to the edge of the ice to stand. He could see her face give a small wince as she stood.

"What? Did falling hurt your knees? You've taken worse than that, don't be such a baby." Judar began to walk towards her, giving another wave of his arm to make the ice on the ground vanish. Kenmei didn't answer, only keeping her wand close to her body.

Judar gave an irritated growl as he approached, stopping right in front of her, though she didn't look up. He tapped the top of her head with the jewel of his wand. "Are you in there?"

Kenmei only hung her head a bit more, causing his anger to grow. He put his finger on her forehead and forced her head back so she would look up at him. "I'm asking you a question. What's going on with you? Are you sick or something?"

Kenmei's head might have been up, but she kept her gaze away from him. She couldn't bother him with her troubles, and she knew he wouldn't care in the first place if she did decide to tell him. It was her problem and she needed to deal with it alone.

Judar didn't like that she continued to ignore him and he pushed back on her head a bit roughly, causing her to take a step back. Her head landed back at a normal level and she stared at his feet. She knew she had to tell him something, but what? That her brother had died and suffered because she had been lazy? She knew he would probably find that fact funny in some weird, twisted way. But she had to try something to get him to calm down.

"Something just happened in my personal life.. that's all..." Her voice was timid and quiet, almost too quiet for Judar to hear, as he had to lean in a bit, turning his right ear forward.

He raised an eyebrow as she finished speaking and stood up straight. "And what would that thing be?"

"It's not worth talking about."

"If it's not worth talking about, then it's not worth moping over. Now get ready, I'm tired of waiting for you."

Kenmei's head lowered again as she felt the tears well in her eyes. "I can't fight today, Judar.. I don't have the energy."

"It's been four days, you have plenty of energy!"

"That's not it, I just-"

"Ugh!" Judar's hand came up and he put it to his face, rubbing his forehead. "You're giving me a headache. I should have just forgot about you." He turned away from her, putting his wand away.

Kenmei looked back up at him, a few of her tears finally falling. He wouldn't understand or care, whatever she told him. "Judar, I just..-"

"No, don't care." He waved his hand in a way to tell her to stop talking. "Just go back to your room and sulk."

Kenmei tightened her grip on her wand, her tears falling freely now. "Fine, want to know what's wrong? My brother died from an illness a few days ago. Though for months, he had been sending me letters, telling me about his illness and asking me for help. I never got around to looking at the letters, so he suffered and died all because I was lazy."

Judar turned his head to look down at her, though there was no sympathy in his expression. In fact, his expression was quite empty, blank and almost bored looking.

He gave a shrug, turning his head forwards again. "And? Not like there's anything you can do about it now. Just get over it."

"It's not something I can just get over!" Kenmei was becoming angry with him, now, even though she had tried her best to keep calm.

Judar felt the rukh become angry and could feel them flying angrily behind him. He frowned as he glared at nothing in particular a head of him. He didn't like how different they were. It wasn't comforting like he wanted it to be, how he was used to it being. Instead, they only made him more angry and frustrated, wanting to instead put ice through her to make it stop and go away.

But then, if he sent her away or killed her, it would be gone forever instead of just temporarily. He had to figure out a way to fix it, to get it back. He didn't care if she was happy or not, just as long as he was able to use her as he always had.

He heard footsteps walking angrily away from him and glanced back again to see Kenmei storming off, probably going back to her room. He gave an annoyed grunt and walked in the opposite direction. Now he seriously needed to rid himself of his energy.

Random people and inanimate objects would have to suffice for now.

"I've had it with you!"

A large shard of ice flew from Kenmei's bedroom door and pierced through the headboard of her bed, which she had been leaning against. It had landed to her left and she looked at it with fearful eyes as the ice spread across the headboard and grabbed hold of her left shoulder and arm. The book she had been reading dropped into her lap from her hands as she tried to pull away.

"Judar, stop it! Just leave me alone!" Kenmei glared at him from her spot, trapped and unable to get to her wand to defend herself from him. He had come barging into her room at this random hour of the day with no warning or anything.

It had been two months since Kenmei first found out about her brothers death, and her condition had continued to spiral downwards. Every day, she seemed to have fallen deeper into her depression. She would not leave her room, except to bathe, and this irritated and angered Judar greatly. Not only had this affected their training and his escape to rid himself of his built up energy, but he was missing the feeling of calm her rukh gave him. Every day for two months he would wake up irritated and go to bed pissed off. Nothing seemed to cheer him up or relax him, even making servants of the palace run around the courtyard instead in an attempt to relieve his stress. Talking to the palace royals would calm him a bit, but once they were gone and he had nothing to do, he would just get irritated again. Dealing with Al-Thamen would distract him, but the things they had him do often bored him and that did nothing to help his situation. All he wanted was her rukh back to normal, to have something to calm him.

So in an attempt to change her back to normal, he tried acting as normal as possible around her, when he saw her. This included pranks of all kinds, jokes and insults that would have always gotten some sort of reaction out of her before this mess. But instead, all everything did was make her cry and cause her energy to, once again, become agitated and sad.

He was done with her, however, and was tired of trying to change her back. So, he had given up for a few days. Kenmei was grateful for this, but now here he was, attacking her in her bedroom for whatever reason.

Judar walked into the room and stood at the end of her bed, wand still pointed in her direction. "No! I've just about had it with your bull shit cry baby attitude. Get out of bed and get dressed, we are training!"

"I don't wan to train anymore!" Kenmei continued to struggle with the ice, but it only spread as she fought against it.

Judar's eye twitched and he threw another ice shard at her, landing only an inch from her head. It spread across the headboard as well, and gripped her head, holding it in place. Kenmei glared at him with teary and tired eyes. She had obviously neglected to sleep correctly and was crying way too much, as the bags under her eyes showed clearly. Judar didn't care how tired she was, though. He was going to get her out of bed and fighting again, one way or another.

Judar sighed and rubbed his face, calming a bit. "I'm done playing around with you. Here's what's going to happen..."

He put one hand on his hip, while the other waved his wand around near his head some. "If you don't get your ass up out of bed, one of two things will happen. I will remove you from the palace and throw you into the streets so you can mope and cry out there and stop wasting every ones time here, or.." More ice formed above his head. "I can kill you. I'll even let you choose which one you want. Exile, or death. You have about five seconds to decide before I choose for you. And believe me, I've just been itching to use my magic."

Kenmei stared at him, quite fearful at the moment. She knew he wouldn't hesitate to kill her, he had almost done it many times. But she could see how serious he was this time. Even though she was sad and upset, she didn't want to die. She didn't want to be thrown out of the palace, either. Everything for her was here. If she was thrown out, she would have nothing and would probably end up meeting a worse fate than being killed by Judar.

She held back her tears and nodded the best she could. "Okay, okay.. I'll get up if you let me go."

Judar stared at her for a moment before he waved his wand and the ice vanished, letting Kenmei loose. She rubbed her sore and cold arm a bit before she pushed herself to the edge of her bed, standing on tired legs.

She was wearing just a white robe, which is what she normally rested in. She gave him a look as she walked to the edge of her bed towards her clothing. "Please leave so I can get dressed. I'll meet you at the courtyard."

Judar scoffed at her and turned, walking to the door. "No way. I'm waiting at the door. Don't take forever, I'm not going to wait."

Kenmei rolled her eyes and began to dress herself. Something felt different, though. The threats had seemed to make her feel.. different. Better, in some way. But why? How could him threatening to kill her or throw her out actually make her feel better? He had seemed to be acting like normal since she first got upset, so this was out of no where.

She felt her stomach flutter as she began to think about different things. Did he actually care about her enough to try and cheer her up? Or was he just still being bossy and mad about her accidental theft? Why would he be trying so hard and be so mad about her not wanting to train anymore? She just couldn't find the answers to those questions yet.

She gave a small jump as she heard Judar's voice yell from the hall, demanding that she hurry up. She quickly finished getting dressed and grabbed her wand, jogging to the door and into the hall to him.

Judar gave a satisfied smirk and gave her a pat on the head. "Good choice." He turned and started towards the courtyard. Kenmei could feel that his energy was bubbling out of control right now and she knew that this was not going to be easy.

In the courtyard, Judar turned to face her as he pulled his wand out of his holding place. "Here's the deal. I'm not going to go easy on you, so you better pay attention."

Kenmei rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, you have a lot of pent up energy, I get it."

Judar gave her a look, not appreciating that sass. "I could just kill you right now."

"Then do it."

Judar blinked a bit in surprise at her reply before giving a chuckle, using his gravity magic to rise into the air. "No, I think I just wanna play around for now."

"What? Scared, now?" Kenmei readied herself, though knew she was getting herself into deeper trouble with her attitude.

"Shut up!" Judar pointed his wand up at the air and ice formed. "You had better start running if you want to live."

Kenmei stood her ground, waiting. She knew how he acted before he attacked, so she knew the exact time she needed to run. Having memorized his movements, however random and spastic they could be, was the only way she had learned how to truly survive his 'training'. Her borg wasn't strong enough to stop his attacks, and her powers were nothing to him, so all she could do is run until she got a chance to try an attack on him.

He grinned wide as he sent multiple shards of ice down at her, causing her to flee right away. Though, her tired and weak body couldn't keep up for long and she soon had to hide behind a tree.

Judar's grin didn't leave his face as he sent ice down at her, going through the tree in different spots. They all missed Kenmei by less than an inch and she came out from behind the tree, stumbling and falling onto her butt. "Give me a chance to rest!"

"No! You've had two months to rest!" He sent the rest of his ice at her, forcing her to roll across the ground to get away, since she couldn't get up fast enough.

He laughed and pointed at her once she stopped. "You're like a bug! You can't even get up fast enough to dodge anything!" the end of his wand began to spark an uncomfortable looking purple and white static. Kenmei quickly stood and sent an attack him just as he fired his, causing the water and lightening to clash. The water, though, stopped the attack from hitting her full on and only sparks flew and hit her borg, which was able to withstand them.

Judar made a face, not liking it when she did stuff like that. "Hey, now, this is my chance to use up all my energy."

Kenmei shook her head. "No, you have limitless energy. You just want something to beat up. You always have, I can tell."

Judar stared down at her with a black face. "So what? Gonna go cry more in your bed?"

Kenmei held her wand closer to her. "No. What's the point in crying anymore? I was crying because I felt like I was alone and had no point anymore... But.."  
She stopped herself from speaking. It was too much for her to say to him, it might freak him out.

She hadn't been alone. Even though her brother had died, and that was the last of her family, she had never been alone though it all. Judar had been there in a weird way. He had tried to keep things normal and only got mad when she refused to cooperate with him. Kenmei saw this as a way of him trying to make her happy, even though he obviously didn't really seem to know how. But it was in his own way, or so Kenmei saw it as such.

But in reality, Judar only wanted her back to normal so he could continue to use her as a means of escape, from his built up energy and anger. Judar raised an eyebrow at her, not sure what she was triyng to say. "But..?"

Kenmei shook her head, giving a smile for the first time in two months. "Just.. thanks for sticking around, even though I didn't want you to."

Judar scoffed at her. "Whatever, I didn't do it for you."

Even as he spoke those words, he could help the nagging feeling at the back of his head. Sure, he wanted her rukh back to normal and that was all he thought it was, but something was different now. Could he really be glad that she was happy again? No way. He didn't care about her emotions. That's stupid.

But, as he felt the calming energy from her flood through him once again, the feeling only seemed to grow. He couldn't actually be caring for this stupid, weak little magician, could he?

No way.

That's just stupid.


End file.
